I miss being able to pet Bailey in the morning. I miss being able to play music as loud as I want. I miss being able to sing without worrying about people listening to me. I miss being able to decide when it's time to go to bed. Now I just kind of wait until La Shay stops playing her gospel music, which could potentially be until 1 am. It's starting to really hurt my ears. It's not exactly... easy listening. I know it sounds lame, but it's the little things that are really getting to me about living in the dorms.

You've become him, and to be perfectly honest with you, I liked the old you better. I won't allow myself to stay bitter, because people will always change. I'm changing too, so I'd be a hypocrite to continue bitching about you. I don't know where to go tonight. I was invited to do three different things, but I have cramps and don't really feel like getting up. It's such a bummer that Amanda has to move to Utah. It's not like I wasn't aware of how crappy the economy is right now, but now it's really starting to drive me insane. I feel so completely lucky to still have a place to live out here, and a steady income.. at least for now. I didn't even get to see Amanda this summer, and she is moving tomorrow. I'll miss her a lot.

birds can fly so high
and they can shit on your head
yeah they can almost fly into your eye
and make you feel so scared
but when you look at them
and you see that they are beautiful

that's how i feel about you.

i could fucking throw up all over this keyboard. i really could. sometimes i wish i could just be a lesbian. or asexual. i don't even know. i let men abuse me beacause i am too afraid of being alone. it's absolutely pathetic.

if i am really that unattractive, why the fuck did you hook up with me in the first place?

Last night I saw Islands perform at the El Rey. Sweet show. Sweet venue. Sweet times. I met up with an old friend there, made me smile. I always get uncomfortable at public events, so I brought my artwork to keep me occupied. In the middle of the show some woman approached me to tell me how amazing my artwork was. I probably won't forget that for a long time. The other day I picked up a few books at Borders, so when I am dying bored tomorrow I will probably open one up. Part of me says, "get a fucking job already.. this is bullshit," but then part of me knows that being lazy is way more exciting. I don't know yet, which basically means good luck to me actually working. I'm still a little shattered over yesterday's email. It wasn't the content that was so shocking, but simply the fact that he was communicating with me... or trying to prove some point that would only assure me more that I was ready to move on. I have read dozens of the poems he has sent me about his ex girlfriends. He might as well have copy and pasted his old poems into my email. If he's telling me he cannot move on and he will never love another woman and etc etc bitch bitch guilt trip etc, then how did he move on from his other ex's with whom he has said similar things about in the past? I don't care much for conflict, but he just added some serious fuel to the fire. Then I'm cleaning my room and I find all of this shit he left here. A book, a pair of pants, some boxers, a wrinkled shirt under my bed, socks, and it's just killing me to look at them sitting in that little shoe box everyday. I tell myself to avoid looking at the things that remind me of him, but every day i find myself refolding his clothing and moving his belongings to a new location. I feel really empty.. not because I want to be with him again (believe me I don't) but because I wake up and there is no text message saying "I love you so much" or a missed call or a pair of eyes staring back at me, just waiting, waiting for me to fall in love back. It's really empty when you get ready for bed and you take out your phone to call him but remember you don't talk anymore. There's not even a friendship. What makes me feel even emptier is knowing how empty I felt when we WERE together. Why is this even affecting me? I guess I just miss somebody giving shit when I am up crying at two in the morning or wearing a new dress or being horny or having the flu. I just miss somebody caring. I feel so lost sometimes, like if I decided to never call anybody back, I would just fade out of everyone's memory. I've been told I am beautiful, pretty, cute, sweet, sexy, lovely, even perfect.. all those adjectives by different guys. What's funny is that they don't even affect me. I think.. "oh well, it's sad that you think I am an attractive girl. I'm too fat to be attractive. I'm too weird to have a boyfriend. I'm too ugly for you to fall in love with me..." and then I realize that this entire time I haven't wanted a boyfriend to love and be with and care about. I just wanted to feel pretty. I just wanted to feel pretty for once in my life. Well I had a boyfriend for ten whole months, and I still don't feel pretty.

There are ghosts living in the park by my house. The city has decided our park shouldn't be lit up at night. I think the ghosts are angry. I drove by them yesterday and as I glanced in their direction, I met eyes with one. Maybe it was envious, maybe it was angry, or maybe I was just frightened. It doesn't matter much. What matters is that they are lonely and I want to join them one night so we can all be lonely together. There are ghosts in the park, and nobody seems to care except me.